went to 7/11 to celebrate the day. johnny introduced me to keith a couple of days ago and like i know it shouldnt bother me because hes a nice guy and hes not trying to conciously replace mike but like it sucks. its a feeling that absolutely sucks ass and i hate it. god this summer has felt really empty i didnt realize it until just now but its felt so dull. it sucks even more because i know that everybody else feels like shit too but they just dont bring it up at all. thats what tyler said at least. does he know what hes talking about at all. does he even miss him like how i miss him does anybody else feel like this or is it just me. i know what grief is you stupid fuck this isnt just that. i read about grief ive heard it ive seen grief. this isnt just grief this is something els

i cant take my hands off my keyboard. im not moving my fucking fingers but text is still popping up on screen. i swear to god im not lying again. i cant move. i cant fucking move. im trying to run my body isnt working. i need to get away i need to run i cant run im stuck in this fucking chair i cant feel my limbs i cant stop typing i cant access anything else on my computer i cant speak i cant scream my mouth wont open my eyes wont close i feel them itching i cant move my eyes. im not crazy my body isnt my own. where am i this isnt my room this is hell when did i die im thrashing and nothings happening what happened to me the suns in my eyes my desk is facing towards the window i cant close my eyes my eyes are burning i cant see what im typing anymore my body wants to shake i cant i wont let it mom please close my curtain i cant see im slipping im so cold did i do something to deserve this i hear something what is that noise that awful awful noise it makes me sick something is wrong something is very wrong what is it i cant put my finger on it i cant move my fingers i cant move my toes i cant beat my own heart i wish i was johnny and my heart could move me im not him im not tyler im not keith im not mike i could never be them i could never match their glory especially not now not ever i feel pinpricks all over my body hateful pricks terrible wretched i hear their voices now i cant see i know what theyre saying i know oh god i know

BigPimpinGoku666: ███ dude are you okay? You seemed off today

neutralmilkhotelfan: you’ve been really quiet today me and tyler both agreed on that you good

BigPimpinGoku666: You were fucking staring daggers into Keith

BigPimpinGoku666: I know you’re still fucked up over Mike

neutralmilkhotelfan: hello?

BigPimpinGoku666: You have to move on already

neutralmilkhotelfan: i see you’re online why aren’t you saying anything

BigPimpinGoku666: This isn’t what Mike would have wanted

neutralmilkhotelfan: you never take this long to reply it’s been fifteen fucking minutes

BigPimpinGoku666: Hello?

BigPimpinGoku666: Hold on there’s some fucking annoying scratching at my door

neutralmilkhotelfan: ███ where the fuck are you?

neutralmilkhotelfan: ███ this isn’t funny

BigPimpinGoku666: ███???

neutralmilkhotelfan: ████████████

BigPimpinGoku666: █████████████████████!

i know what theyre saying to me i know theyre calling out i cant say anything am i too weak to respond is there something wrong with me how long has it been hours weeks years im stuck here i know i am what why whos doing this to me everythings so cold im not me im not the chair im not this room im not this cell im being kept in im not this world im not of this world let me out i need to be let out my body is made of straw and hay and i feel it poking into my throat someone anybody help me i feel your hand finally what took you so long youre thinner your skin feels funny is it that bandage i saw you with last we met did you keep it this whole time silly you thank you for keeping your promise you came back to me thank you i dont know who i would be without you theres nothing i wont understand just tell me why you left please why arent you saying anything

are you okay?

what? me?

silly. don’t worry about me, okay? i just missed you is all. youve been gone for three months of course itd affect me but ill understand just tell me or tell me later if you want.

they told me you were gone. they said it again and again almost like they were trying to convince themselves but i knew better. i know better. maybe i can predict the future. wouldnt that be nice? i could see where youre going to go and come with. we promised, remember? we promised we would stick together. i forgive you for breaking that promise. just let me come with you.

let me be with you. we can leave them behind its okay. they dont understand.