5/23/05

okay jesus christ what the fuck. i have to be losing my mind because i just had another vivid ass dream. im sorry that this is turning into a glorified dream journal i get it. i think dream journals are stupid too. this is different though okay fuck off. somethings up with me and i dont know what it could be. if anything you should take this as downloadable content and not what this blog is turning into okay??? i swear to god. anyway i woke up way sicker than last time for some reason. nearly vomited when i sat up. i don’t ever want to feel something as unpleasant as that ever again. okay anyway onto the dream

it felt like i was a brain parasite piloting myself. my own body felt alien. shit absolutely sucked its probably like putting yourself in a gimp suit and jumping into a vat of ice water. i was wandering through a black and white forest. there was no gray it was legitemately just black and white. then it cut from my point of view to something like a compilation of wildlife. looked like a nature documentary. i could feel the wildlife as it rapidly cut from place to place on my skin. then johnny walked towards me while the places were cutting in and out. he had scars all over his body and a white rabbit mask with antlers. the only reasons why i knew it was him were the rings he always wears and his gay ass bright green varsity jacket. on one hand are two snake rings and a band with some shit engraved in thai. on the other is a shitty souvenir he got from a pawn shop. i always tell him to not wear it because it turns his finger green but he never listens because it “looks cool” what a prick. the first time i saw what it looked like under the ring i nearly snapped his finger off because it pissed me off so bad. sorry off topic

i remember calling out to johnny “hey why are you here” and he didnt respond. said some other shit like “answer me” and “do you know where we are”. completely dogshit questions looking back. just absolute trite. also he still didnt say anything until he was right up next to me and i dont think he was breathing out of his mouth like usual. he breathes so loud so it was weird to not hear him at all. then he hugs me. i could smell his hair. i could feel how his heartbeat makes his whole body tremble like hes always about to fall over. i keep telling him to start working out because when he obviously is gonna get in a fight the other guys gonna break his spine like spaghetti. he always seems like working out will kill him though so ive kind of given up on that. anyway he hugged me and my heart felt really warm. im not gay btw. he pulled away and i looked down to see myself as this pile of fat flesh and veins with a sword through what my stomach should have been. then johnny starts laughing at me and i wake up. i woke up pissed off because it just felt like an art project made by some asshole who thinks hes smarter than he actually is and its about accepting yourself and some gay shit like that.

i did message johnny though. about this and heres the weird part. he actually owns a mask like that because he made it when he was in elemenatary school. he sent me a picture of it and it was fucking identical to what i dreamt of but ive never seen it in my life. by the way this is unrelated but im starting to realize that i sound like those stupid fucking chain e-mails that say “I WAS A CHILD WHO DIED IN 1973… FORWARD THIS E-MAIL TO 50 PEOPLE SO THAT I DONT DRAG YOU DOWN TO HELL WITH ME…” and i absolutely fucking hate that. im just trying to share whats up with my life. thats what mike said to get me to make this blog

why didnt i talk to him more. i could have done that. why didnt i stop him